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I am having a series of strange thoughts about self-care. Because in a lot of weird, sideways kind of ways, I've been better to myself this month than I have in a long, long time.
( More thoughts; cut for rambling more than anything. )
Also, anyone who commented to the last entry, thank you. I'm gonna go back and respond individually, but possibly not til my day off, so for the moment, just a big, group thank you; you're all amazing.
( More thoughts; cut for rambling more than anything. )
Also, anyone who commented to the last entry, thank you. I'm gonna go back and respond individually, but possibly not til my day off, so for the moment, just a big, group thank you; you're all amazing.
I could try and say a lot of things about 2015, but all I can really say is it felt like someone hit the pause button in a lot of ways. Quite a bit happened around me, but nothing really feels like it happened to me. I didn't do anything. I didn't gain any momentum. I just crawled along end to end, misstepping all along the way.
I could also lay down a lot of expectations, hopes, and ideas for next year -- I really did consider making a whole list of resolutions for once -- but I think the only really important thing is this: I want, I hope, I need not to let fear stop me as much this year.
Because that's really where it all chokes up. There's a whole host of issues behind it, but it all comes out afraid. Fear of disappointing family. Fear of making myself look stupid. Fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of making things worse. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of putting myself out there. Fear of doing things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of wanting things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of setting boundaries in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve them. Fear of annoying people. Fear of making myself a nuisance.
I am afraid pretty much all the time, and I'm not hoping it goes away, I'm just hoping to learn to get past it a little better than I have in the past.
Happy new year. I'm lucky to have all of you, and I hope everyone's year gets better.
I could also lay down a lot of expectations, hopes, and ideas for next year -- I really did consider making a whole list of resolutions for once -- but I think the only really important thing is this: I want, I hope, I need not to let fear stop me as much this year.
Because that's really where it all chokes up. There's a whole host of issues behind it, but it all comes out afraid. Fear of disappointing family. Fear of making myself look stupid. Fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of making things worse. Fear of doing it wrong. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of putting myself out there. Fear of doing things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of wanting things in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve to. Fear of setting boundaries in case someone turns around and says I don't deserve them. Fear of annoying people. Fear of making myself a nuisance.
I am afraid pretty much all the time, and I'm not hoping it goes away, I'm just hoping to learn to get past it a little better than I have in the past.
Happy new year. I'm lucky to have all of you, and I hope everyone's year gets better.
I did not actually realize how many usernames I was under now until I wrote that out. Been debating switching AIM & plurk over to either balsamandash or builttobalance but we'll see if I ever get around to it.
I am still not reading like I should. I am still just... tired. There's so many things I want to do. So many things I should do. But I'm so tired. Maybe when the current ear infection goes I'll be a little better, but I just don't know.
edit because apparently I have slightly more to say than that:
You know what I miss this week? Writing, tarot, and chat (especially IRC) RP.
You know what I can do about that in my current state of I-refuse-to-call-this-a-depression-episode-but-it's-probably-a-depression-episode? Absolutely goddamn nothing.
I do need to see if I can scrape finances together to get a proper tarot reading because I... kind of want one? And have nothing resembling the focus or brainpower to do one for myself? But I'm super broke right now and combine that with other stuff going on and I feel like it's not going to happen. Ugh. Which is fine, I don't need one, but it's annoying.
I also have no idea where any of my tarot decks are.
Also I cannot remember the last time I wrote and it's starting to make me feel sick. But every attempt just feels... stupid? Writing feels like a stupid endeavour. Like wasting time and like there's no point to it.
.... Not that anything I'm doing is better than wasting time. Or there was a point to saying more apparently. Sorry. I think it's time to go back to silence. When I'm not quiet, I kind of hate every word I put out.
Do you ever read fic - especially elaborate AUs or really blantantly unrepentant tropey/fandom favorite plot fic - and just wonder how their brain did not just... Blare a pounding "you're an idiot" alarm at them until they stopped?
This sounds like an insult. It is not. I just want to know how to turn off the alarm. The only thing that seems to work is writing off prompts, but A) I don't have those kinds of prompts and B) I don't want to wait til i do to write a fucking thing.
Judging by my Ao3 I have not written nonprompt fic in two years. In don't think this is quite accurate but what isn't prompt fic, I think is solely written for the knowledge that one specific person wants it, which feels like the same thing.
I don't.know. I really don't. I'm just. Tired. And I.want to feel like I'm writing again. Even though I've written a fuck ton more this month than in ages, I still don't feel like I'm writing, somehow, and it.drives me up a wall.
This sounds like an insult. It is not. I just want to know how to turn off the alarm. The only thing that seems to work is writing off prompts, but A) I don't have those kinds of prompts and B) I don't want to wait til i do to write a fucking thing.
Judging by my Ao3 I have not written nonprompt fic in two years. In don't think this is quite accurate but what isn't prompt fic, I think is solely written for the knowledge that one specific person wants it, which feels like the same thing.
I don't.know. I really don't. I'm just. Tired. And I.want to feel like I'm writing again. Even though I've written a fuck ton more this month than in ages, I still don't feel like I'm writing, somehow, and it.drives me up a wall.
(no subject)
Feb. 9th, 2015 03:35 amTwo entirely separate notes:
1. A brief list of stories rattling my brain, which may turn onto a babbly post in the morning:
The Indexing/MCU field team AU
The THG/Indexing AU where Finnick's a little mermaid
ALL the psychic wolves
Lay Me In the House You're Building (aka the polybigbang)
Toby Daye, the Hunger Games AU
2. Dear brain: there are some valid critcisms on name things that I will accept from you. Not being able to live up to some weird wordless indescribable impression it gives me, that is not one of them.
(I think. I'm trying not to let it be.)
1. A brief list of stories rattling my brain, which may turn onto a babbly post in the morning:
The Indexing/MCU field team AU
The THG/Indexing AU where Finnick's a little mermaid
ALL the psychic wolves
Lay Me In the House You're Building (aka the polybigbang)
Toby Daye, the Hunger Games AU
2. Dear brain: there are some valid critcisms on name things that I will accept from you. Not being able to live up to some weird wordless indescribable impression it gives me, that is not one of them.
(I think. I'm trying not to let it be.)
like lonely ghosts at a roadside cross
Feb. 4th, 2015 07:35 amwelcome to what is scarily close to becoming a regular edition of "august thinks too goddamn much". I'm so sorry.
( list form because lists are orderly )
( list form because lists are orderly )
More lists. Lists are good. Lists are useful. I need to stop immediately brainresonating to "dear [x], here is a list of things" every time I go to start one. But lists are good.
( things on my mind. )
( things on my mind. )
