i'm building a body where our design has failed

So I spent all yesterday in pain and feeling like shit, and today I still feel grumpy and awful, but there is work to be done and I'm trying to make myself do it.

In mostly unrelated news, every member of my family older than me is exhausting to deal with this week, and I am about ready to yell at them all.

However, Bast is amazing and I am lucky they're willing to not only deal with my grumpy and sadness but try and help me get my shit together and actually get stuff done. Even if I fail at actually doing so.

This space may turn into a ta-done or to-do list later. For right now I am just waving tiredly at everyone.

EDIT: ... I somehow fucked up the computer trying to plug in my headphones and I had to fuck with it trying to get to the battery. I got it up again, but it was like an hour, it was stressful, I still have to do work which is also stressful, and I really just want to either nap or burrow in distractions for the day.

Fuck today, man.

Hugs would be really appreciated.

I am tired, and am probably not going to exist talkatively on the internet for a little while, because I need what few spoons I have left for other stuff. Not going to be talking about things, because again, spoons are already allotted. So I'm just going to offer empathy, understanding, and love in this moment, and then hibernate a little until either things seem less overwhelming, or the current busy period passes over and I can try to deal with it.

Hi, I'm alive. I don't have much besides that right now, to be honest. Not in the greatest of brainspace, but I live.

Birthday was yesterday; spent Fri-Sat with family to celebrate. I own a drum now. It is very exciting.

Still trying to unpack everything. And clean everything. And do everything. And wanting to sleep forever. Tarot post still needs to come because money is hard and makes me want to cry, but all my cards are still packed, because all my stuff is still packed.

I am alive. That's all I really can offer tonight. I'll try to say something on a better night soon.

I am still alive. I... don't have much more than that to say. I am still alive. I am trying really hard to get back to meme stuff I've posted recently, but brains are thin on the ground. I have a glasses appointment tomorrow morning. Finally. That's really all I got.

Things I need to do with my days off this week:
> Figure out what the hell I'm doing with moving/jobs/everything.
> Taxes.
> Write, maybe. I WANT to write things, but my brain is fighting me. All I want to write is fanfic with ridiculous, probably overdone premises and my brain says there's no reason to actually write that. So. (Don't even talk to me about original fiction. Ugh. That's even more worthless uses of my time.)
> Not be completely useless for once.

We'll see how any of it goes.

Well, this week has been. A week. The world is weird right now, both because of non-personal stuff (RIP to Bowie and Rickman; I don't have words to say how weird it is to know they're not there) and personal stuff. Long story short, family bullshit happened. So much family bullshit, and I'm not speaking to my mother right now.

I am alive. I am gonna try and get back to both kink and ten-sentence fic prompts, so if anyone wants to drop me more feel free, because god I need to write. (I am about 2k behind on GYWO, which is not terrible but god, I should not be behind when today's total is supposed to be barely over 3k.) I want to go catch up on Snowflake but I feel awkward since it's technically ending today, so we'll see.

I... do not really have anything else to say. Mostly I'm just tired. But I'm still here.

So I broke my phone in a fit of angry stupid, I spent Sunday knocked down with an ear infection that still isn't gone away, I've been stupid with my money and buying things I want and suddenly I feel really guilty for it, and everything just kind of feels like a mess. I want to do creative things, but work has wrung every last drop of everything from me right now. I'm worn so thin and so numb at the same time; it's like I keep getting bursts of sick and twitchy and upset and angry, and then they just get smothered in the ever-present exhaustion.

And ... yeah, that's all I got. I'm working on not being useless, it's just not going very well lately.

Things are really, really Not Okay, and I'm either going to disappear for a while or be around a lot just to try and not think, I don't know what way it's going to end yet. I've spent three days thinking about family, abuse, shades of grey, boundaries, safety, and when I needed a break from the bad heavy, it keeps swinging into religion and gods. Because what I need is more heavy stuff to think about. Even if I kind of understand why it's doing this.

My head's in a fucked-up place right now, I work tonight, and I don't know what to do with... anything. All I really want is to go hide under a bed, or alternatively, hide out somewhere isolated where I can belt until I stop feeling like I'm going to throw up and instead my throat hurts. I do not get either of those things right now.

To anyone who commented yesterday: I'm too tired to say it properly, but thank you.

I am... not okay. But I am less wild and less pent-up. I'm just tired. Numb and drained and tired and numb is kind of starting to fade into worse but I'm going to be before it can go the rest of the way. Everything hurts and things went really down and I don't know why. Maybe it's the abrupt change of schedule and uptick of hours I can expect to be out a day. Maybe it's the fucked up sleep schedule. Maybe it's just bad brains. It really sucks, because things were vaguely clawing their way to decent again, but now this.

I'm not making a lot of sense. I'm just really tired. And I still want to do creative things but I'm past the point of feeling like I should be allowed to, because they're all going to be terrible anyway. So. That's something, at least.

I actually, stupidly thought I was getting to a decent point again. I even managed to deal with a lot of people in my space last night without getting too anxious. And now I crashed hard enough that dragging myself back out of this bed is going to make me cry. And obsessively fixating on my failure to be decent at words all over again.

I'm so fucking sick of everything.