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balsamandashI am having a series of strange thoughts about self-care. Because in a lot of weird, sideways kind of ways, I've been better to myself this month than I have in a long, long time.
Like: This month I have been very careful to carry lotion for my hands and lip balm around, and to use them. My hands don't hurt because they're dry and neither does my mouth and that's kind of new for me.
Like: I actually asked for help. And I went out today and I bought a bunch of things to help with pain and I didn't shy away or cringe from spending money on myself. I bought things I didn't need at all but thought might be good, I bought things I technically did not need (like heat patches, even though we have a heating pad, because I always have trouble getting it on where I need it the right way and I thought maybe the patches would be better). I got things that just made me happy.
Like: By the time I hit the first aisle, I was cringing in pain with every step and wanted to throw up, so I went back and got myself a motor cart. Now, there are other reasons I don't usually use them -- moving that slow can make me twitch sometimes -- but there's been times when I was hurting so badly it outweighed everything else, and I usually force myself to deal with it anyway. I spent almost an hour running around getting things and I think I'd be sick to my stomach if I'd walked the whole time.
Like: I've done damn good at work, and I am acknowledging that even though I feel like someone's going to turn around and tell me I'm wrong every time I think that.
Even this: I haven't spoken to my mother in two weeks. I have been angry at my mother instead of automatically shouldering the blame for upsetting her when she got mad. I haven't held a real conversation with my stepfather in two weeks, I haven't forced myself to keep a sympathetic face and stay quiet while he made me feel uncomfortable.
Maybe none of this would count for someone else, should count, any of that. But for me, it's all kind of big steps.
Hopefully more big steps can come along the way.
Also, anyone who commented to the last entry, thank you. I'm gonna go back and respond individually, but possibly not til my day off, so for the moment, just a big, group thank you; you're all amazing.
Like: This month I have been very careful to carry lotion for my hands and lip balm around, and to use them. My hands don't hurt because they're dry and neither does my mouth and that's kind of new for me.
Like: I actually asked for help. And I went out today and I bought a bunch of things to help with pain and I didn't shy away or cringe from spending money on myself. I bought things I didn't need at all but thought might be good, I bought things I technically did not need (like heat patches, even though we have a heating pad, because I always have trouble getting it on where I need it the right way and I thought maybe the patches would be better). I got things that just made me happy.
Like: By the time I hit the first aisle, I was cringing in pain with every step and wanted to throw up, so I went back and got myself a motor cart. Now, there are other reasons I don't usually use them -- moving that slow can make me twitch sometimes -- but there's been times when I was hurting so badly it outweighed everything else, and I usually force myself to deal with it anyway. I spent almost an hour running around getting things and I think I'd be sick to my stomach if I'd walked the whole time.
Like: I've done damn good at work, and I am acknowledging that even though I feel like someone's going to turn around and tell me I'm wrong every time I think that.
Even this: I haven't spoken to my mother in two weeks. I have been angry at my mother instead of automatically shouldering the blame for upsetting her when she got mad. I haven't held a real conversation with my stepfather in two weeks, I haven't forced myself to keep a sympathetic face and stay quiet while he made me feel uncomfortable.
Maybe none of this would count for someone else, should count, any of that. But for me, it's all kind of big steps.
Hopefully more big steps can come along the way.
Also, anyone who commented to the last entry, thank you. I'm gonna go back and respond individually, but possibly not til my day off, so for the moment, just a big, group thank you; you're all amazing.
