i'm building a body where our design has failed

Hi, still alive. I haven't written... this whole last month, I think, but I've been managing RP, barely. I'm 25 as of yesterday and I don't know what to do with that.

I have nothing to say, but this has been your regular reassurance that I'm still around and reading. Just don't really have the spoons to say anything lately.

Thank you for the kind comments on the last entry. We're home now. Brother is doing okay; going to be in a cast for a while and healing for the next couple of months, but okay. I am... here.

I was going to try and do a proper update at some point and explain what happened and the rest of the weekend, but I don't have the brain now and I probably never will. Brains are in short supply and since "relax and enjoy myself for four days and maybe regain some spoons, since I think I'm borrowing against next year's at this point" turned into spending two days living in a fucking hospital, I don't know when I'm going to find a way to get them back.

Sorry, this is not the route this entry was supposed to take. I am trying to focus on the good, because I really just want to scream right now and I can't. But my brother is okay. The campout was nice for the one day I managed to be there. I got to meet an online friend I'd probably not ever get the chance to run into otherwise. I'm not good at not thinking about the rest of it, but I can get better at shutting up. Or maybe just go back to sleep until I can pretend, but I have to be up for work on Wednesday and it'd probably take longer than that.

So there's a four-day pagan music festival in Georgia in May 2016. We are going, it seems amazing and I'm gonna meet SJ Tucker. I am stupid excited, don't get me wrong.

But.

For about an hour we thought it was THIS May, in two months May. And the part of my brain that wants to cry with wanderlust shut up for an hour at the thought of being somewhere I've never been in two months, in a whole other state for a little while.

And now its fuckinng deafening, because it's gonna be a whole year before I get to get it out of my system.

I really hope moving shuts the wanderlust up because I am going to either cry or scream or hop on a bus to get it to stop soon.

I don't even know what's happening in my brain, all I know is I need it to go away.

Part of me really just wants to get out of this house and run until my fucking legs collapse under me and part of me wants to throw up at the idea of ever stepping foot outside again and I don't think I'm going to be better in two days and I have to do things and I'm losing my shit bad and I'm not allowed to do it and this is stupid and pointless and I'm so fucking sorry I ever say a fucking thing, I should just learn to shut the fuck up already.

I went to lie down for three hours. I slept for eight instead.

There goes the rest of my fucking weekend. And now I have less than six hours til I have to change to switch houses> eat> sleep. Which I may or may not be able to do, because I slept for eight hours like an idiot.

I'm really tired of fucking up my time off. You'd think nine months would enough to figure it out.

I'm just going to listen to this forever now.

Everything sucks and I'm trying to remind my brain that trying to go through verses is how I ended up having a multiple hour breakdown already and it needs to stop. fucking. trying. because it won't stop. But I'm gonna listen to this forever, except possibly to take a break for Agent Carter.

Since about 2 am Wednesday, I believe, I have slept 5 broken hours.

I am now on my way to work.

There's no way this can go bad, nope. I'm a genius.

Edit: and my hospital bill is arrived. Fuck. I wanted to do movies this week. Don't know if I can after I see it.

I keep trying to find the ability to be productive and my brain is just a melted pile of fuck you, no. So. Yeah. I'm sure fucking useful today.

Week to-do/notes, may be updated today/over the next couple of days

( under here )

Thing one: My computer has returned to me, fixed and working, huzzah.

Thing two: Tomorrow I transfer to the other house (and have an extra night off a week for at least the next two, this is probably bad for everything money-wise but is also a giant relief in other ways), Sunday my parents go off to Disney for a vacation. My brother and I are going to be watching the house and the dog (and me watching him) til they come back next Sunday, with the younger one at my grandmothers. Either this is going to be really good for me mentally (my brother is quiet and keeps to himself and we get along really well lately) or really, really bad (I still feel isolated and lonely and at least with my mother/Q there, I get forced into some kind of generally-not-awful interaction at some point). We'll see.

Thing three: Last night was just... bad. In every way. Door alarms going off, almost forgetting how to use words, finding out two women I really admire and enjoy the company of are very bad off, just... bad. But I'm more capable of pretending at stability than yesterday, so... yeah.

Thing four: I am considering starting to keep track of mental/physical health on a daily basis, I just... don't know if I'm going to do it. If I say I feel dumb doing it, how ridiculous does that sound?

Thing five: I am going to shoot for writing during my days off this coming week, so. We'll see how this goes.

If I dont manage to get something writing-like done soon I am going to explode.

Sorry. Its a weird brain night.