The Marquis de All The Knives (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
balsamandash) wrote2015-02-02 11:30 pm
balsamandash) wrote2015-02-02 11:30 pm
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there's a chaos that reigns at the heart of this beast
More lists. Lists are good. Lists are useful. I need to stop immediately brainresonating to "dear [x], here is a list of things" every time I go to start one. But lists are good.
- names
- adding on to mine. i feel like i want more to it. there's a middle name i have an eye on because i'm fond of one of the diminuitives and don't hate the sound of the full thing, i just... feel silly using it and can't tell you why.
- writing pseudonyms. i still don't mind Morgan Byrne, i just... don't know. for that matter i still like The Witchy Wordsmith as a... not penname but a writerly identity? but doing things with it is hard.
- religion
- how to start looking for a fitting pantheon/patron
- if i want to make an altar when i move. how, where, and what i would do with it.
- learning to meditate or finding a replacement for it as a practice.
- working with connections.
- rediscovering tarot.
- kink
- whether this wanting of things is a general restlessness trying to find a home or an actual desire.
- people
- how to learn to talk to them when i want to
- self-care
- mental health diary. physical health diary.
- scents to ground with. routines to ground with. how to make them.
- things that comfort even when hurting. things that make me laugh even when sad.
- "it is useful knowledge for living to have a list of things that are good no matter what."
- ways to remind myself i am worth self-care when i don't feel like i deserve it.
no subject
no subject
on names: talking about this upthread but. I really like August Andromeda Thorne. I was considering Meda/Andromeda when I was contemplating namechanges and I still like it. I just feel like I'm not allowed to alter my name anymore.
on pantheons/patrons: So my family has always worked with the Greek gods. I was super super SUPER attached to Artemis as a kid/teen, my mother's patron goddess is Hestia, we use Greeks in our rituals. and that's great but. part of religion right now for me is prodding at things and figuring out what's "actually works for me" versus what's "comfortable and familiar cause my family always has done it". and the Greeks are tied to so much family stuff/writing stuff in my head I don't know if I should fly with them still. but I'm not totally familiar with any other pantheons and when I try to start considering/researching, my head just kind of explodes without having a real start point?
and nothing really jumped out and grabs me; nothing has since I stopped feeling so in tune with Artemis. from the Greeks or elsewhere. so I don't even have a push towards anything right now. and I need to figure out where to go.
on meditation: It's never worked for me. My mother's tried repeatedly to lead me into developing the habit and teach me how to do it. but I am not really capable of doing the 'lie/sit still and dismiss your thoughts' thing. I think it may be part of my varied mental dysfunction, to be honest. Lying/sitting still is something I am literally incapable of; my anxiety spikes when I try it. And the usual sink-down methods don't work for me, because when I become aware of my breathing/body, it spikes my anxiety, I start worrying that I'm gonna stop breathing, and then I just remain very aware of my breathing in a super uncomfortable way.
I can do guided meditation and visualizations to a certain extent, especially if there's a specific goal of it. But the "cleanse your brain and just get in touch with your inner self/the universe" has NEVER worked for me. And so much religion on witchcraft, Wicca, and Paganism note it as not only useful but pretty much a requirement, that I kind of need to shape my brain around the idea of a witchery/religion that doesn't include it.
and. yes. the steam is kind of running out now. I don't know. A lot of things are bouncing in my brain and getting them nailed down is hard but. thank you. I really appreciate you being around and commenting o nthings and letting me babble and -- things. Just. Thank you.
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Maybe in looking for deities, you can start with "I'm looking for this in a deity" and see if anyone bites or otherwise shows interest.
As for meditation, just sitting is tough, even if you can just sit and try to let the thoughts go. There's a thought that meditation could be done walking or in motion, whether as a martial art or a nature walk or a labyrinth maze (which, now that I think about it, is hopefully just your thing) and so you could keep practice without having to do bad things to yourself.
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That's really not a bad idea. I need to do some sitting down and thinking and figuring out what kind of influence I think I need, but. That's more of a starting place than I had, so thank you. <3
Labyrinth mazes are super fantastic for me and things like this actually -- at a Samhain campout I went to once, they had a labyrinth painted on a giant piece of plastic for walking and contemplation/meditation. It was possibly the best thing ever for that kind of mindset, I just do not know how to get that sort of thing into my life when I'm not out on campgrounds, hmm.
Other than that, active-but-ritualistic might work best, I just need to figure things out. I wonder if I still remember my katas from when I took classes.
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I have seen labyrinth rugs in peoples houses. The not giant, but they are good-sized, and I think that if you could procure one, that would work out. Or maybe get a tarp of some sort and paint a maze on it.
Failing that, yeah, maybe katas or collecting some Tai Chi knowledge.